Beautiful Goodbye
by Estel la Rodeuse
Summary: In the end of Season 4, Cristina is back in the game. But what about her feelings for Burke?


**_Hi! This my first GA fanfic. It's centered around Cristina's feelings about Burke and set after the last episode of season 4. Dedicated to... Burke because I really miss this character!  
The title of the OS is the name of a song (following the GA tradition) by Amanda Marshall_**

**_Beautiful Goodbye_**

Some of the bitterness was gone. But as Cristina was watching Lexie doing a running whipstich on a banana she couldn't help but hear _his_ voice. He was gone, he had left her on the altar but she could still hear his voice.  
He was everywhere and try she may she couldn't escape him.  
Lexie was trying to thank her but Cristina pretended not to hear. She pretended to be cheerful. A part of her was, but another was dying. The surgeon was glad that she flew solo. She was glad to be back in the game. But the woman inside her was screaming and choking like Cristina did after the failed wedding. So many months living without feeling. But since that damn paper she had to sign she was finally letting go. She was allowing herself to think about the loss of the man and not of the teacher.

Lexie was beaming at her. Did she act like this with Burke? No because when she had to perform his surgeries it were dark times.  
Soon enough this short lesson with Lexie was over. Cristina ignored her thanks and headed for the locker. She methodically perpared her stuff and changed before heading back to her appartement, his apartement. As her motorcycle was speeding her heart was beating faster and at last she wasn't thinking. It was blissful to lose herself in the speed. At least she didn't have to see his face.

She was glad that Cali wasn't in the apartment. She didn't want anyone to witness this moment. George had called her a robot once. And she liked to be seen as such. She hated revealing her emotions. Slowly, she had learned to open up to Burke. And now he was gone. The only one left was Meredith. But she was also lost in her own dark place.  
Cristina was alone. And she had to admit that she preferred it that way.  
She went to her closet and pushed aside the racks full of clothes. Then she crouched and started to take out all the clothes that had fallen inside the closet. She never bothered to organize her wardrobe. Precision was for the OR not for clothes and not for people. She finally found what she were looking for: buried beneath a pile of clean and dirty clothes, she found her wedding dress. The dress that had to be cut open by Meredith. For some strange incomprehensible reason she had kept that doomed dress. Cristina was holding in her fine surgeon hands the shreds of her love affair with Preston Burke.  
Cristina Yang, the surgeon had pulled through. But will the young woman ever come back?  
Emotions that she had suppressed all these months were coming back to her. The first one to hit was cold blazing anger. Why!? Why did he leave her?  
She opened her heart, he melted the ice packed around it. And then he ran away. A surgeon never leaves a patient open in an OR. Doctor Preston Burke would never leave a patient like that. But he left her. He made her believe what she never thought about. And now he left her hanging.  
No she couldn't wish him well. For all his pride Preston Burke was a coward.

She threw the dress back inside the closet and stuffed all the other clothes on top of it. Then she went to the kitchen and opened all the cupboards. Burke loved to cook. She picked up a meat knife and remembered how she helped him to step back up to his place as head of Cardio. And he couldn't even mention her name...  
She couldn't forget all those days and nights keeping their secret, protecting the man she loved. The woman that she was before would never have risked so much. But somehow she had grown to love and trust Burke. But now he was gone. She had given him so much but she was left empty handed.

She left the knife lying on the counter. And walked to her room, their room.  
She sat on her bed. Before leaving for the honeymoon with Meredith, Cristina changed the sheets. She couldn't bear his smell on them. Had she know he would never come back, would she have erased the last trace of his presence? She laid back on the cushion and starred at the ceiling. How many times had she done so with him snoring next to her? The memories that she had stored somewhere deep inside her were coming back. Each one of them bit her sharply. She didn't doubt her talent as a surgeon anymore. As Hahn had shunned her from all these surgeries she had forgotten her strenght, her precision and quick mind.  
But the Chief had given her the opportunity to believe in herself again. She stretched her legs as she thought about Burke's body next to her. But will she ever be able to believe in a man again? Will she love again? It wasn't that important. What mattered was her capability of handling a scalpel and performing a surgery. As these thoughts were forming in her mind her body was shaking. The long suppressed tears were sliding on her cheeks. After that burst of sadness in her sad white dress, Cristina had all but forgotten to cry. But now that she felt like a surgeon again she couldn't hold them back anymore.

As she snuggled against a big pillow, her gaze fell on the phone. She could easily track him down. And a biter laughter stole her tears as she imagined herself doing what pathetic lovesick girls would: calling him and hanging up after hearing his voice. No, Cristina Yang would never do such a thing. She was hardcore and no heartbroken chickl. But still what would she give to hear his voice again... To feel his hands on her body and to be lost in his embrace.

Lying down she was staring at her bedside table. A dusty pack of mints was still lying there. There, this was the last memento of Preston Burke's presence here. She remembered how Lizzie had stayed on the floor of the bathroom. This is how she had grieved for Denny. But she was Cristina Yang and she was fine. She couldn't admit the pain that was lacerating her insides. She had try to forget. But she couldn't. Her lover was gone and like Lizzie she had to get up and walk away. What she had been doing all those months was denying. Denying that her relationship with Burke was a real one. Denying that he was more than a lover and teacher. Denying that while she was glad to be free her heart was torn. Denying that now she felt truly alone. Her phone was ringing and she startled. Burke! The hopeful thought was crushed in the wheels of her cold thought process. She checked the caller ID it was Meredith.

- Mer?

- Cristina! You can't believe what I'm doing right now! In fact you will end up making fun of me!

The joyful and hopeful voice of her friend made Cristina smile.

- Something to do with McDreamy? You've opened Rose's head and filled it with rocks?

Meredith was giggling. Her friend sat up. Something was definitely up:

- Tell me.

- I built a house out of candles. And now I'm wating for Derek in the blistering cold so that he can be the good guy. He went to talk to Rose. How crazy is that? Me, Meredith Grey am sitting in the middle of nowhere surrounded by candles.

- Are you sure that McDreamy didn't inject a virus in your head?

- Well Crisitina. I think the time of the dark and twisty Meredith is gone. Time to grow up and build a house with silly candles. Ugh.. I'll call you tomorrow, gotta go.

- Bye.

The line went dead. Her person had found the road to happiness and maturity? Well, if one could call that becoming mature.

Cristina got up and took the pack of mints with her. She threw it in the trash and started to make some coffee. She was truly happy for Meredith. She was the only person that mattered for her. But why did she feel so empty?

As she gulped down her black coffee, her thoughts went back to the Chief's encouragement. She was a good surgeon and she had shut Hahn's mouth. She stood erect with her back straight. Somehow the night had faded to leave only the beautiful sunset. Soon Cristina will take a shower and start her day. But now she was savoring the beginning of a new day. Preston never gave her a chance for closure. She never got to say goodbye. He had dropped her like a used scalpel. She heard the front door opening. It was Callie coming back from another late night with Hahn. Cristina couldn't care less. She was looking at the sun rising. And her thoughts were going round like a mantra: _Goodbye, Goodbye Burke._

She didn't feel desbelief, anger or sadness. She was indeed free.  
But could she escape the pain in her chest? Could she bear to look at him again and act as if he didn't matter?  
Will she ever forget to miss him? Will she be able to stop loving him? stop hating him?

Another hectic day was starting for Dr Cristina Yang. She was actually looking forward to go back to her job in Seattle Grace. But once more her eyes turned to the bright new sun rising.

Can one truly heal one day?  
She heard Mer's almost cheerful voice in her mind.

_Goodbye Burke.  
_


End file.
